The Labor was hard and long and no fun.. really. Not until I got to hold my baby in my arms and rock her and feel her. She is here, finally here.That is what I kept thinking. Oh how I longed to hold my baby girl in my arms. Oh how hard I worked and moaned and groaned and painstakingly walked the hospital halls just to get her here. Oh the things people did for me so that I did not have to go through delivery alone! I am so grateful to Ilea for helping me get through it and the special nurses who helped me make it happen. I got to hold and sleep next to and be with my little baby girl until the following day when a lactation specialist finally listened to me and noticed Nevaehs rapid breathing. The following day after her birth my baby girl ended up in the NICU. Praise the Lord that someone finally listened to me and got her the medical help she needed.
My family really rallied around me the following week and the Hospital staff from the NICU made me feel amazing...they really lifted me up at a time that I needed it most. My sweet precious daughter was given the best care there was to offer, and I AM DEEPLY GRATEFUL.
Monday, April 29, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Not yet
No baby yet.. Every time I say that to my husband.. he says, " Yes there is, she is inside your tummy.. I'm pretty sure there is a baby in there.." I smile. He is just trying to make me feel better. I am at the end of my pregnancy rope. It has been a full nine months.. a few days away from 40 complete weeks of being pregnant. I am glad that I did not get too big until the end, because carrying around this big belly is not easy.
Oh how I just want to hold my new baby girl, my new child that I have helped co-create. I hope that she comes out healthy as I have had NO problems this entire time. If anyone is not as healthy as they should be its the mom, me. I haven't taken care of myself as well as I could. I lack certain nutrition and boy could I feel it at times. I WISH I HAD.. HAD SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF ME. Make sure I slept enough, ate enough, and just did the basics of care enough.
Maybe my lil girl is waiting for her NANA, perhaps...She will be here Friday. I need her. Summer needs her. We all need her up here. Her daughters.. her grandchildren. It's been a year since I have seen her. Last time.. It was when I got married. Glad she can be here for those momentous occasions in my life though. Its just day to day stuff.. Sometimes I wish I could just spend a day with my mom... or she could help share her talents with my two lil girls who need her very much. She has so much to TEACH them. I feel a heavy burden ..and I feel inadequate in my ability to teach them all they need to know to be successful adults.
A week doesen't seem like long enuf. I want the baby HERE when mom is here. I want her to be able to hold her and help me care for her.. as she could with Summer.
God help me trust in him.. and his timing.
Oh how I just want to hold my new baby girl, my new child that I have helped co-create. I hope that she comes out healthy as I have had NO problems this entire time. If anyone is not as healthy as they should be its the mom, me. I haven't taken care of myself as well as I could. I lack certain nutrition and boy could I feel it at times. I WISH I HAD.. HAD SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF ME. Make sure I slept enough, ate enough, and just did the basics of care enough.
Maybe my lil girl is waiting for her NANA, perhaps...She will be here Friday. I need her. Summer needs her. We all need her up here. Her daughters.. her grandchildren. It's been a year since I have seen her. Last time.. It was when I got married. Glad she can be here for those momentous occasions in my life though. Its just day to day stuff.. Sometimes I wish I could just spend a day with my mom... or she could help share her talents with my two lil girls who need her very much. She has so much to TEACH them. I feel a heavy burden ..and I feel inadequate in my ability to teach them all they need to know to be successful adults.
A week doesen't seem like long enuf. I want the baby HERE when mom is here. I want her to be able to hold her and help me care for her.. as she could with Summer.
God help me trust in him.. and his timing.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
One Centimeter
Went into the Hospital today around 9pm. I definitely felt my contractions this time!! I am dilated 1cm!! Which means I am progressing.. and my Doc will strip my membranes tomorrow (Thursday). Once I got to the hospital my contractions stopped as soon as I was plugged into the monitor. Baby is doing great.. She is fine.. it's mommie that needs looking after. I need to be KINDER to myself.
As soon as I texted Ilea to come to my aid because of contractions.. she dropped everything and just came to me..... when I needed Sarah R. to watch Summer she was ready and available. I felt calmer as soon as Ilea was with me. She is a gift from Heavenly Father. I feel as though God has put certain people in my life to uplift me, support me, encourage me, strengthen me, and help me strengthen others as well. I am so grateful to KNOW that i am a daughter of a LOVING God, a loving Heavenly Father. He truly does look out for me and he is holding my hand every step of this life.. every step of this pregnancy. He truly does not forsake his children.. even though Earth life may make us feel like he does at times... he is always there. If we but draw near unto him... he will draw near unto us. I have such a STRONGER testimony and FAITH now than I EVER had before this trial. For this I am grateful.. for I believe Heavenly Father has blessed me MORE than I can imagine.
My husband is amazing too!! He can feel when I need him or sense when something is very wrong. I love that we are sooo connected and his love is so strong. I hope and pray that he is called into work in the next few days like he hopes to be. God willing.. we need the $.
I am thankful for my sister Sarah and her love. Her willingness to go out of her way to help me have a car and give me transportation.
I am thankful for my DAD, Ken. For the Money he gave me so that I can buy this car from my Sister.
I am thankful for the financial aid grant that I qualified for.. for April. So we could make our rental payment arrangements. I pray that we will have the $435 dollars in order to pay the remainder of our rent by the 15th and that we will have the $ for the electric, phone and internet.
As soon as I texted Ilea to come to my aid because of contractions.. she dropped everything and just came to me..... when I needed Sarah R. to watch Summer she was ready and available. I felt calmer as soon as Ilea was with me. She is a gift from Heavenly Father. I feel as though God has put certain people in my life to uplift me, support me, encourage me, strengthen me, and help me strengthen others as well. I am so grateful to KNOW that i am a daughter of a LOVING God, a loving Heavenly Father. He truly does look out for me and he is holding my hand every step of this life.. every step of this pregnancy. He truly does not forsake his children.. even though Earth life may make us feel like he does at times... he is always there. If we but draw near unto him... he will draw near unto us. I have such a STRONGER testimony and FAITH now than I EVER had before this trial. For this I am grateful.. for I believe Heavenly Father has blessed me MORE than I can imagine.
My husband is amazing too!! He can feel when I need him or sense when something is very wrong. I love that we are sooo connected and his love is so strong. I hope and pray that he is called into work in the next few days like he hopes to be. God willing.. we need the $.
I am thankful for my sister Sarah and her love. Her willingness to go out of her way to help me have a car and give me transportation.
I am thankful for my DAD, Ken. For the Money he gave me so that I can buy this car from my Sister.
I am thankful for the financial aid grant that I qualified for.. for April. So we could make our rental payment arrangements. I pray that we will have the $435 dollars in order to pay the remainder of our rent by the 15th and that we will have the $ for the electric, phone and internet.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Emotional
I am still slightly sick and trying with all my might to get better BEFORE I go into labor. I feel like I should be having our baby now.. or any day now. My due date is only days away at this point. I want my Doctor to rupture my membranes even if that will hurt.. if it means helping labor along. But i am also a little nervous and scared of the pain from the contractions. Will I be screaming in pain.. will I be able to handle it?
On top of this.. I miss my husband with a passion I cannot hold back. I am crying with the every thought of him not being able to be here to hold my hand through this. I know he wants to be.. It was not our wish to be apart.. no matter how much we argued or got frustrated with each other.. our love is still there. At least I feel it there. More than anything I wanted to be pregnant and have this baby with him.. I wanted to go through pregnancy with my husband.. go through the ups and downs with him.. just go through life with him. Why did I marry him if not to spend my life with him and share everything with him. NOT BEING ABLE TO SHARE THE BIRTH OF OUR BABY WITH HIM.. IS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. I thought I could use frusteration or agner to cover up my deep desire to want him here but it is not working. And the closer I get to going to into the labor the more I miss him... the more emotional i get when i think of how he will MISS OUT ON THE BIRTH OF OUR BABY.
I am worried about the decision to take money from my father and use it to buy a van from my sister. A Van that may put me in more financial bondage than i need. It is my decision. I feel like WHO IN THERE RIGHT MIND WOULD SAY NO.. to a deal like this. Family bending over backwards to help. But I think too, what if my mother is right and having this van brings only more hardships than we need. Well, it can't hurt to have it.. I pray to be able to make the right decision for me and MY FAMILY.
On top of this.. I miss my husband with a passion I cannot hold back. I am crying with the every thought of him not being able to be here to hold my hand through this. I know he wants to be.. It was not our wish to be apart.. no matter how much we argued or got frustrated with each other.. our love is still there. At least I feel it there. More than anything I wanted to be pregnant and have this baby with him.. I wanted to go through pregnancy with my husband.. go through the ups and downs with him.. just go through life with him. Why did I marry him if not to spend my life with him and share everything with him. NOT BEING ABLE TO SHARE THE BIRTH OF OUR BABY WITH HIM.. IS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. I thought I could use frusteration or agner to cover up my deep desire to want him here but it is not working. And the closer I get to going to into the labor the more I miss him... the more emotional i get when i think of how he will MISS OUT ON THE BIRTH OF OUR BABY.
I am worried about the decision to take money from my father and use it to buy a van from my sister. A Van that may put me in more financial bondage than i need. It is my decision. I feel like WHO IN THERE RIGHT MIND WOULD SAY NO.. to a deal like this. Family bending over backwards to help. But I think too, what if my mother is right and having this van brings only more hardships than we need. Well, it can't hurt to have it.. I pray to be able to make the right decision for me and MY FAMILY.
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