Emotional

I am still slightly sick and trying with all my might to get better BEFORE I go into labor. I feel like I should be having our baby now.. or any day now.  My due date is only days away at this point. I want my Doctor to rupture my membranes even if that will hurt.. if it means helping labor along. But i am also a little nervous and scared of the pain from the contractions. Will I be screaming in pain.. will I be able to handle it?

On top of this.. I miss my husband with a passion I cannot hold back. I am crying with the every thought of him not being able to be here to hold my hand through this. I know he wants to be.. It was not our wish to be apart.. no matter how much we argued or got frustrated with each other.. our love is still there. At least I feel it there. More than anything I wanted to be pregnant and have this baby with him.. I wanted to go through pregnancy with my husband.. go through the ups and downs with him.. just go through life with him. Why did I marry him if not to spend my life with him and share everything with him. NOT BEING ABLE TO SHARE THE BIRTH OF OUR BABY WITH HIM.. IS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. I thought I could use frusteration or agner to cover up my deep desire to want him here but it is not working. And the closer I get to going to into the labor the more I miss him... the more emotional i get when i think of how he will MISS OUT ON THE BIRTH OF OUR BABY.

I am worried about the decision to take money from my father and use it to buy a van from my sister. A Van that may put me in more financial bondage than i need. It is my decision. I feel like WHO IN THERE RIGHT MIND WOULD SAY NO.. to a deal like this. Family bending over backwards to help. But I think too, what if my mother is right and having this van brings only more hardships than we need. Well, it can't hurt to have it.. I pray to be able to make the right decision for me and MY FAMILY.