Ponder

Tonight I am up as needed to nurse my new precious baby girl. I can't sleep tonight. Something is keeping me awake, though I know I need rest desperatley yet.. sleep evades me. I re-read my dear friends blog about the loss of their sweet 9 day old newborn babygirl, I can't help but scoop up my new 3 week old babygirl in my arms and hold her tightly as I read. I think about how.. how come she survived in the NICU when little Molly did not...

April 10th

The Labor was hard and long and no fun.. really. Not until I got to hold my baby in my arms and rock her and feel her. She is here, finally here.That is what I kept thinking. Oh how I longed to hold my baby girl in my arms. Oh how hard I worked and moaned and groaned and painstakingly walked the hospital halls just to get her here. Oh the things people did for me so that I did not have to go through delivery alone! I am so grateful to Ilea for helping me get through it and the special nurses who helped me make it happen. I got to hold and sleep next to and be with my little baby girl until the following day when a lactation specialist finally listened to me and noticed Nevaehs rapid breathing. The following day after her birth my baby girl ended up in the NICU. Praise the Lord that someone finally listened to me and got her the medical help she needed.
My family really rallied around me the following week and the Hospital staff from the NICU made me feel amazing...they really lifted me up at a time that I needed it most. My sweet precious daughter was given the best care there was to offer, and I AM DEEPLY GRATEFUL.

Not yet

No baby yet.. Every time I say that to my husband.. he says, " Yes there is, she is inside your tummy.. I'm pretty sure there is a baby in there.."  I smile. He is just trying to make me feel better. I am at the end of my pregnancy rope. It has been a full nine months.. a few days away from 40 complete weeks of being pregnant. I am glad that I did not get too big until the end, because carrying around this big belly is not easy.

Oh how I just want to hold my new baby girl, my new child that I have helped co-create. I hope that she comes out healthy as I have had NO problems this entire time. If anyone is not as healthy as they should be its the mom, me. I haven't taken care of myself as well as I could. I lack certain nutrition and boy could I feel it at times. I WISH I HAD.. HAD SOMEONE TO TAKE CARE OF ME. Make sure I slept enough, ate enough, and just did the basics of care enough.

Maybe my lil girl is waiting for her NANA, perhaps...She will be here Friday. I need her. Summer needs her. We all need her up here. Her daughters.. her grandchildren. It's been a year since I have seen her. Last time.. It was when I got married. Glad she can be here for those momentous occasions in my life though. Its just day to day stuff.. Sometimes I wish I could just spend a day with my mom... or she could help share her talents with my two lil girls who need her very much. She has so much to TEACH them. I feel a heavy burden ..and I feel inadequate in my ability to teach them all they need to know to be successful adults.
A week doesen't seem like long enuf. I want the baby HERE when mom is here. I want her to be able to hold her and help me care for her.. as she could with Summer.

God help me trust in him.. and his timing.

One Centimeter

Went into the Hospital today around 9pm. I definitely felt my contractions this time!! I am dilated 1cm!! Which means I am progressing.. and my Doc will strip my membranes tomorrow (Thursday).   Once I got to the hospital my contractions stopped as soon as I was plugged into the monitor. Baby is doing great.. She is fine.. it's mommie that needs looking after. I need to be KINDER to myself.


As soon as I texted Ilea to come to my aid because of contractions.. she dropped everything and just came to me..... when I needed Sarah R. to watch Summer she was ready and available. I felt calmer as soon as Ilea was with me. She is a gift from Heavenly Father. I feel as though God has put certain people in my life to uplift me, support me, encourage me, strengthen me, and help me strengthen others as well. I am so grateful to KNOW that i am a daughter of a LOVING God, a loving Heavenly Father. He truly does look out for me and he is holding my hand every step of this life.. every step of this pregnancy. He truly does not forsake his children.. even though Earth life may make us feel like he does at times... he is always there. If we but draw near unto him... he will draw near unto us. I have such a STRONGER testimony and FAITH now than I EVER had before this trial. For this I am grateful.. for I believe Heavenly Father has blessed me MORE than I can imagine.

My husband is amazing too!! He can feel when I need him or sense when something is very wrong. I love that we are sooo connected and his love is so strong. I hope and pray that he is called into work in the next few days like he hopes to be. God willing.. we need the $.

I am thankful for my sister Sarah and her love. Her willingness to go out of her way to help me have a car and give me transportation.

I am thankful for my DAD, Ken. For the Money he gave me so that I can buy this car from my Sister.

I am thankful for the financial aid grant that I qualified for.. for April. So we could make our rental payment arrangements. I pray that we will have the $435 dollars in order to pay the remainder of our rent by the 15th and that we will have the $ for the electric, phone and internet.

Emotional

I am still slightly sick and trying with all my might to get better BEFORE I go into labor. I feel like I should be having our baby now.. or any day now.  My due date is only days away at this point. I want my Doctor to rupture my membranes even if that will hurt.. if it means helping labor along. But i am also a little nervous and scared of the pain from the contractions. Will I be screaming in pain.. will I be able to handle it?

On top of this.. I miss my husband with a passion I cannot hold back. I am crying with the every thought of him not being able to be here to hold my hand through this. I know he wants to be.. It was not our wish to be apart.. no matter how much we argued or got frustrated with each other.. our love is still there. At least I feel it there. More than anything I wanted to be pregnant and have this baby with him.. I wanted to go through pregnancy with my husband.. go through the ups and downs with him.. just go through life with him. Why did I marry him if not to spend my life with him and share everything with him. NOT BEING ABLE TO SHARE THE BIRTH OF OUR BABY WITH HIM.. IS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. I thought I could use frusteration or agner to cover up my deep desire to want him here but it is not working. And the closer I get to going to into the labor the more I miss him... the more emotional i get when i think of how he will MISS OUT ON THE BIRTH OF OUR BABY.

I am worried about the decision to take money from my father and use it to buy a van from my sister. A Van that may put me in more financial bondage than i need. It is my decision. I feel like WHO IN THERE RIGHT MIND WOULD SAY NO.. to a deal like this. Family bending over backwards to help. But I think too, what if my mother is right and having this van brings only more hardships than we need. Well, it can't hurt to have it.. I pray to be able to make the right decision for me and MY FAMILY.

Family Drama

I don't care who owes who money. My dad offered to buy the Van for me from Sarah for 500 dollars. Why Sarah and Tim are flippen out of a few hundred dollars is beyond me when they both work at successful business and have more money to work with than many people. they have a home and cars and kids..


Dad deposited $200 dollars in my bank account today. I am now down to 75 dollars. I put 50 in my savings. Sarah is freeking out now.. she needs to talk to Tim.. and DAD and find out what the hell is going on. whatever money they owe dad. that is there bussiness. I don't want anything to do with it.

All of this shady dealing going on behind my back makes me wonder if this VAN or having a dumb car is actually going to help, or become like mom said..  A BIGGER BURDEN FINALLCIALLY ON MY BACK THEN I Need.

Part of me want to say just screw it. Sarah go sell it to some other idiot who will take it. Especillay since it had so much going wrong with it..


ohhhh, she'll do the tabs... but I have to pay to change the license over to my name. I have no idea how much that costs. GEEZZZZ people.. I have NO money..  WHAT PART ABOUT BETHANY HAS NO MONEY DO THEY NOT UNDERSTAND.

not to mention I have to make payment arrangements for the montn of april to have rent paid and keep this home. and where is the money gonna come from to pay electricity and cell and internet for apirl. huh?


 I  AM UP A CREEK WITHOUT A  PADDLE IN SIGHT!!

BLESSING

I received a priesthood blessing and was anointed with Oil on my head for the sickness. Bro. Carpenter and Bro. White came over about 9pm. I didn't feel like the words of the blessing brought me much comfort but I could feel the peace and the spirit poured out upon me and my home while they were here. I feel a calming peace radiate through my entire body. A total calmness.. Heavenly Father telling me.. ALL IS WELL. So, it wasn't a word of comfort I needed to  hear, IT was the FEELING  of peace I needed to HAVE. I am grateful for this peace and HOPE it will last a while. Life is hard, too hard for me to take sometimes. Everyone keeps wishing me better, I appreciate it, but I also wish I were better too. My throat is very very sore and I am very very tired.

My Place

My husband and I live in two different worlds or that is how it feels most of the time. He is from an Island in the Bahamas and I from a state in the USA. He is the youngest of 15 children. I am the middle child of 3 girls. I grew up with a single mother and stepfathers, he has always had a two parent home. He is black and I am white. I could go on and on about our differences.

It was our dreams for a better life and future that attracted me to this man, not to mention I liked his looks. I feel like I fell in love with his WORDS online more than the man  he is. Out of the 4 years we have known each other, we have spent less than 8 months face to face. This makes it very hard to know whether or not you really know a person. I would do things much differently if I had a... DO OVER CARD.  I wish life where kinda like the game of LIFE.. u had get out of jail free cards, and do over cards, and cash in on this cards... lol.. but that is not how it goes.

I asked my husband if he was taking care of himself and he responded with "I'm doing the best I can, the kids come first" I think I over-reacted a bit at that.. becuz I took it out of context. Like excuse me.. NO.. I come first. I NEED MY H-U-S-B-A-N-D TO SHOW ME THAT I COME FIRST. I am his wife, I am two weeks away from giving birth to OUR first child together and part of me is sooo hormonal and angry that our circumstances SUCK.. that we both have children already and are from two different countries and I ask myself.. WHY? Why this man? What made me fall in love with him?

I feel like I fell in love with his words and our future plans and dreams and goals. I didn't TRULY realize how many hurdles we would have to jump.. even though I did know.. I KNEW IT WOULD BE HARD.. and I went for it anyway. I have resentment becuz I paid and coordinated OUR ENTIRE WEDDING MYSELF.. with the help of MY friends. What does he do for me or make me feel that ANOTHER man could NOT?

I feel SECOND to his life, his kids, and him.. when I should feel FIRST.. as his wife.

Can our marriage survive our trials? I'm not sure.

hope

My sister offered to see me her VAN again today KNOWING I had NO money to pay for it. So she says, not knowing i've already been given money from both parents to help with bills, to ask both parents. I also send out e-mails to a few friends in hope's they can help with even a tiny bit. They want to bring the CAR over by this Friday. Talk about craziness. I believe that if I am meant to have this car it will happen. But in all reality. I need to pay for my apartment first. That is more important. Having a home. I have doubt that if I were to e-mail the Bishop asking for assistance with this, he would decline it. That is so messed up, as $500 dollars for a car is nothing, the church has so much money at its disposal to use. I know it has the means to help me get transportation. At least I got a yes on two food orders.

I wish people empathized with me more. That they were able to see what I stand in need of and just help me with it. Maybe I am just feeling very selfish. I know there are many ppl who are out there.. also in desperate need too. May God poor out his mercy and help upon us all.

Venting

ya know...I know some people mean well... and maybe my hormones are just raging high! (which they are) I'm hecka pregnant. I'm 37 weeks and could have this baby any day now. Even though i'm not DUE..til April 10th. So many people SAY they can be there for me. But in all REALITY I feel very very ALONE in this. I really wish I felt like people meant what they said. That they want to give me rides or be there for me.. or help me through LABOR, but I just don't trust that easily. When I really needed someone to pull through and take me to the hospital. When I was so scared, 911 was there. NO ONE answered there phones and it hurt. At least it wasn't LABOR pain and contractions. I know thousands of women give birth every day.. maybe more.. but my circumstances are extremely unique. DOESN'T ANYONE GET THAT???  I wish I had a more supportive and financially stable husband but I don't. I wish he were here and helpful, but he's not. And the sad truth is, EVEN IF HE WERE HERE... I think it would have made my pregnancy WORSE.. not better. I have always had to provide and take care of him.. take care of my daughter. Now... Is the time.. I WISH.. I had someone who I felt could take care of ME.. and I DIDN'T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT TAKING UP THERE TIME or TAKING THEM AWAY FROM THEIR LIVES OR FAMILIES. I suppose this is all a a self-worth gig. Maybe if I felt  WORTH IT.. I wouldn't feel like serving ME.. was a drain instead of a JOY.  Lord, please help me to learn to love myself in a positive way, and open my eyes to the fact that I am worth all the fuss in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's ok...

Just got off my knees from praying. I feel so blessed and provided for. My family, me and my girls are totally provided for. Whatever the word is for beyond grateful, that is what I am right now. So, grateful for the small acts of kindness bestowed upon me and my family. Sincere and loving gestures, not the FAKE one's. I can do without fake and false, HOW ARE YOU'S? Do not ask me how I am, if you truly don't wish to know.

On another note~ The baby dropped during the night before last.. Thursday night. I woke up and heard a whisper in my heart and mind. The baby dropped. I felt different too. Just slightly enough to think.. ya think? Did she really drop? hmmmm.. i'm not sure. But she has. I want the Doctor to confirm it, but I am more than sure she has. I only have less than 3weeks till my DUE DATE. I think I will be delivering this baby girl next week. But that is just me. I could be wrong. I may end up delaying labor til mom arrives, But I am so anxious to get these contractions over and done with that I want to start labor NOW.  I'm sure I will want to STOP labor pains as soon as they start though, and say to myself.... I take it back... I take it back.. stop the pain... lol.. I'm such a big baby.

I hope that she is healthy and strong and all goes well. I worry that complications may arise, but I have a feeling that she will be hecka strong and blessed by heavenly father. She has a purpose to fullfill on this earth. What exactly that is, i'm not sure. But HF has sent her to me and kept her healthy throughtout this difficult time, I'm not so sure that.. that was my doing... but his alone. I worried this whole time. I was scared. I feel much more relieved now. And I plan to just listen to the spirit direct me and listen to my body.

Everything will be OK!!

Life

Sometimes I wonder, "Why does life have to be so hard?" I realize the gospel answer, is that we chose to come to earth and knew we would be tested. Trials are a natural part of life. Sometimes, Satan puts thoughts into my head like.. It would be better off if I left this mortal world and ended all this pain I feel, but I know that is not the right way to go about coping with life's trials.

I hate with the utmost within me.. hate hate hate.. the feeling of NOT being secure. I do not feel the security most pregnant women should feel, because their husbands are NORMALLY near them to take care of them. I feel like a military wife without the benefits.

There never seems to be enough money, even with the 4 BILLS we have. Seems my husbands ability to provide lacks in many many ways. He says he is doing the best he can, I'm sure he is. I want to say that I don't doubt that, but part of me wants him to PROVIDE A MIRACLE.. and just TA DA!!!.. come up with the money to pay for everything and make life better for all of us. Sometimes I wish I had married a hard working American man who already had a steady and consistent paying employment. No immigrant fee's.. no overseas communication.. no paperwork... no children left in one country or another... no lack of work or lack of security.  WHAT WAS I THINKING?  I feel like I fell in love with a dream of a future hoped for. I still cling to that hope.

Today, I am the one.. who is of little faith.. " Oh ye of little faith!"  I wave my hands wildly in the air and shout, " THAT'S ME LORD.. THAT'S ME...I LACK FAITH.. I'M SORRY.. PLEASE HELP MINE UNBELIEF.. AND RELIEVE MY SUFFERING AND DOUBT!"

Love

My husband and my daughter always say, "I love you more." Maybe they do..but let those words NOT blemish my own love and deep affection for them. I too am capable of showing deep love for another human being, of love period. Love transcends all in this world, in this life.  The deep love of Jesus Christ, my Savior--his choice to sacrifice and endure so much for me~ now that is pure love!

Esteem

Self Respect~Esteem in high regard

I have never esteemed myself in high regard but I need to start now. To realize my worth in and through my eyes and thoughts. Through my Savior's eyes..

To not allow others to trample on me. I am a good person, an amazing mother, a hard worker. I don't give up--I push myself--though I must admit giving up sounds good--Satan is very enticing when he makes dying early and ending the misery now seem like a good thing. There is so much in LIFE.. that is good.. we just need to keep looking for it-- for the Good--for the reasons to be grateful. The song count your many blessings.. name them one by one.. comes back to mind. A song my grandmother sand her children, my mother and now me...Bad days happen..situations can be avoided through choices of our own. JOYFUL MOMENTS ARE EVERYWHERE.. like now. My husband just got called into the shipyard for work for two weeks.. OH THANK YOU LORD!~

Coat off my back

Today, I met a homeless man at the bus stop. He spoke of the fact that he needed a warmer coat. I thought to myself,  ya know, I have another coat at home I can use. He may need my coat more than I do. I have a home he does not. So, I offered him my coat... after checking all my pockets I handed it to him. I told him to make sure he used it and did not give it away to anyone. He accepted my coat and then gave it back to me saying it was not necessarily his style of coat. How odd, I thought to myself. If he truly needed a new jacket then he would have accepted anything offered to him and used it. How can we be picky when we have nothing. ANYTHING is sometimes better than nothing. I am grateful he gave me back my coat and then walked away.

I ask Heavenly Father to help me find opportunities to serve others. I was more than happy to give this man what I had, it was not much but it was something I could do.

Jesus talks about how is someone takes our coat we should give them our cloak and if someone asks us to walk with them one mile, we should walk with them TWO. I pray that I can be the kind of person that shows the pure love of Christ through my actions. I hope that I can also serve others in ways that touch their lives and hearts as people have done for me, when I needed them.

Angels on Earth

~One close friend is going through the grief of losing two small infants in the past year or so...
~Another close friend just lost two dear family members in the past few months and is about to lose a close friend to a rare type of cancer
~A few of my friends struggle with the ups and downs of Single motherhood and raising a family on their own
~Another friend confided in me about her spiritual struggle with the gospel
~Yet another friend shares with me her struggle and challenges of feeling defeated as a mother
~ A few friends are dealing with rocky marital problems and possible upcoming divorces
~Another friend just lost her dear friend to suicide
~Yet another friend also just attended a funeral of a young man who committed suicide as well
~Another friend is dealing with constant financial hardship
~And I know there are many who are seeking employment

~As I contemplate my own problems in my life and the challenges I have overcome, i am struck with wonder and awe and the way life challenges each one of us. We all have strengths and weaknesses, problems and chaos...It is how we choose to look at our situation that makes all the difference in the world.

I am so grateful for the each and every opportunity I have had to serve others. I didn't think that through my deep sorry and discomfort that serving would be one of the main desires of my heart. I feel that Heavenly Father has put this deep desire inside me.. to look for opportunities to lighten the burden of one of his beloved children. Isn't that what the Gospel of Jesus Christ is all about anyway. How we can lighten the burden of our spirit brothers and sisters in some way shape or form. Look around you, Pain is everywhere.. and we all need one another. We are not as alone in our problems as we think we are. God has provided guardian angels to watch over us.. I feel inspired to be an instrument in the masters hands..

Paperwork

My husband is calling me at o' dark thirty to talk to me about his immigration forms. I'm glad he is on top of this paperwork but I am so half asleep this morning that it's irritating.  Now, I have to call the stupid Attorney. I gave him the Attorney's number but will he call, probably not. Because he needs minutes on his phone he cannot afford minutes on his stupid cell phone. Wish he could just figure some things out for himself. He is always calling me freeking out.. like a retarded kid who can't seem to figure out the answer to a math questions and needs mommy's help to do it. Sense the frustration much? This is too much for me. I have had 3 hours of sleep.. He is irritated, so am I. This seems like such a waste of our time. In order to start our lives together as a family, this is what we must go through. This is ridiculous, expensive, and beyond frustrating. There are no words to describe the emotional toil this process and experience takes out of an individual. I have empathy for many immigrants now, who have to go through the LEGAL process of becoming an American Citizen. Our government makes it difficult for a reason, It is a privlidge to live here and receive the rights an American recieves, however, it is the American dream and the opportunity to have a family in peace and happiness that most people seek in our country. Freedoms that we take for granted.

Scared

So.. a dear friend of mine lost her baby girl shortly after birth. Another dear friend has lost two close family members in the past few months and is about to lose another dear friend to a rare cancer. Other friends are going through other trials, although different, trials none the less. Sometimes, my trials seem so insignificant. While my friends grieve their dear losses, I suppose i grieve my own. The loss of not having my husband with me during each day of my pregnancy. I don't hear him talk to my belly or rub my tummy. He is not here to bear my up and give my strength when I need it. He cannot hold me when I feel overwhelmed by life and comfort me through my Braxton Hicks contractions. Tears stream down my face as I write. feeling like I am complaining, when I muster up all the strength I can and think "but i have so much to be grateful for" This still does not keep the pain away. He will not be here to hold his daughter the moment she arrives into this world, or see her roll over or take her first steps. He may not even hear her first word. To go through the process of literally GIVING BIRTH scares me, I don't want to do it without him, but I must.

I worry too, Summer does not want a sister. She is perfectly content to have it just be me and her for the rest of her life. Sure she misses her step dad, but she is ok with it being just us for a while longer. She won't admit that she is excited.. or 

She is excited to prepare for this baby. To pick out toys and things she may need. She is there to hold me and comfort me and take care of mommy. She is only ten. To put so much on her at this age seems so unfair to me. I need her so much though, I cannot deny how comforting she is to me every day and the strength she provides. 

I look into her sweet face and remember how I fell in love with her the moment I first held her in my arms. Oh dear father, I pray.. Please... help me to love this other child I carry in my womb just as much.. please fill me with a deep love for her too.. please help us to bond just as fast as Summer and I. Please help me to be the best mother I can to both girls and spread myself between the two.  Helping them to both feel the incredible love I have for them. Please let my daughter be healthy and strong. Please let her be born and survive. Is it wrong to hope she survives when other babies have not..is it wrong to hope she is healthy and strong when my dear friend just lost her own dear little baby?

Oh dear Lord, Thank you for the people you have put in my path that bear me up with the strength I need. There tender love and kindness and help.. THEIR SINCERE DESIRE TO BE THERE FOR ME.. means the world to me. Thank you!!

Surrender

Its taken me a long time to surrender my whole self over to God... To say, "Alright, I lay down all my burdens at your feet Lord" I know that Faith without works is dead, but right now I feel like faith is all I have left. I must rely soley on my Savior to see my through. This Labor is not going to be an easy one, but when is Giving Birth ever easy? It's not. I pray for strength and comfort and the ability to make it through each day. I am ever grateful for each simple blessing and miracle that happens in my life. Like today, A dear friend inspired me. Thank you friend.