Life

Sometimes I wonder, "Why does life have to be so hard?" I realize the gospel answer, is that we chose to come to earth and knew we would be tested. Trials are a natural part of life. Sometimes, Satan puts thoughts into my head like.. It would be better off if I left this mortal world and ended all this pain I feel, but I know that is not the right way to go about coping with life's trials.

I hate with the utmost within me.. hate hate hate.. the feeling of NOT being secure. I do not feel the security most pregnant women should feel, because their husbands are NORMALLY near them to take care of them. I feel like a military wife without the benefits.

There never seems to be enough money, even with the 4 BILLS we have. Seems my husbands ability to provide lacks in many many ways. He says he is doing the best he can, I'm sure he is. I want to say that I don't doubt that, but part of me wants him to PROVIDE A MIRACLE.. and just TA DA!!!.. come up with the money to pay for everything and make life better for all of us. Sometimes I wish I had married a hard working American man who already had a steady and consistent paying employment. No immigrant fee's.. no overseas communication.. no paperwork... no children left in one country or another... no lack of work or lack of security.  WHAT WAS I THINKING?  I feel like I fell in love with a dream of a future hoped for. I still cling to that hope.

Today, I am the one.. who is of little faith.. " Oh ye of little faith!"  I wave my hands wildly in the air and shout, " THAT'S ME LORD.. THAT'S ME...I LACK FAITH.. I'M SORRY.. PLEASE HELP MINE UNBELIEF.. AND RELIEVE MY SUFFERING AND DOUBT!"