Scared

So.. a dear friend of mine lost her baby girl shortly after birth. Another dear friend has lost two close family members in the past few months and is about to lose another dear friend to a rare cancer. Other friends are going through other trials, although different, trials none the less. Sometimes, my trials seem so insignificant. While my friends grieve their dear losses, I suppose i grieve my own. The loss of not having my husband with me during each day of my pregnancy. I don't hear him talk to my belly or rub my tummy. He is not here to bear my up and give my strength when I need it. He cannot hold me when I feel overwhelmed by life and comfort me through my Braxton Hicks contractions. Tears stream down my face as I write. feeling like I am complaining, when I muster up all the strength I can and think "but i have so much to be grateful for" This still does not keep the pain away. He will not be here to hold his daughter the moment she arrives into this world, or see her roll over or take her first steps. He may not even hear her first word. To go through the process of literally GIVING BIRTH scares me, I don't want to do it without him, but I must.

I worry too, Summer does not want a sister. She is perfectly content to have it just be me and her for the rest of her life. Sure she misses her step dad, but she is ok with it being just us for a while longer. She won't admit that she is excited.. or 

She is excited to prepare for this baby. To pick out toys and things she may need. She is there to hold me and comfort me and take care of mommy. She is only ten. To put so much on her at this age seems so unfair to me. I need her so much though, I cannot deny how comforting she is to me every day and the strength she provides. 

I look into her sweet face and remember how I fell in love with her the moment I first held her in my arms. Oh dear father, I pray.. Please... help me to love this other child I carry in my womb just as much.. please fill me with a deep love for her too.. please help us to bond just as fast as Summer and I. Please help me to be the best mother I can to both girls and spread myself between the two.  Helping them to both feel the incredible love I have for them. Please let my daughter be healthy and strong. Please let her be born and survive. Is it wrong to hope she survives when other babies have not..is it wrong to hope she is healthy and strong when my dear friend just lost her own dear little baby?

Oh dear Lord, Thank you for the people you have put in my path that bear me up with the strength I need. There tender love and kindness and help.. THEIR SINCERE DESIRE TO BE THERE FOR ME.. means the world to me. Thank you!!